Pity Party

For the past couple days, I've been feeling pretty crappy. It started Sunday, and even though it was a beautiful warm sunshiney day, I was right on the edge of  'blah'. Fortunately my hubby got me out of the house and out into the warm spring air, and I was ok most of the day.

Sunday night and Monday, I moved fully into blah-dom. No energy, no interest, no nothing. Then Monday afternoon I find out that I have been mysteriously cut from this Six Sigma greenbelt class I was supposed to start. As in, it started yesterday - and no one could be bothered to tell me I would not be participating. I had no idea it was even going on until someone mentioned someone else was in the class. As of a month ago, my name was on the list.

What gives???  This was going to add some serious brownie points to my resume!

So I sent my boss an email asking what happened, and I got completely ignored.

Freaking lovely. If for some reason I couldn't do my project this go 'round, could you not have the decency to tell me?! And when I find out, can you not have the balls to explain WTF happened???

I've been with this company for 10 yrs. I've been in this department for 5. Every review, I get told I am the backbone of the team, a major asset to the company, blah blah blah. But this is what I get? I handle projects far above my pay scale, I deal with issues that should be handled by senior staff..... but I am always passed by and over looked when the kudos and the job offers come around.

I am so sick of this. I've got to find something else.


....whew. That was much more of a rant than I was planning.

So back to the point, I've moved from merely 'blah' to full on depressed. I just want to hide under the covers with my cats and not face the outside world.

I took the day off today, because I really didn't know if I could go in and not tell someone where to stick it.

So I've moped around in my pj's for the entire day. I was calling it a "mental health day", but its really a good old fashioned Pity Party.

On a slightly more positive (and diet related) note, at least I am not feeding my face, as I would typically do during a pity party.

Last night as I was peeling out of work, my first thought was "I want ice cream". Followed quickly by "I could stop by Sonic, get some ice cream and some corn dogs"

Not too long ago, I probably would've done it.

But I stopped myself. I came home, and whether it was real hunger or emotional hunger - I wanted food. So I had a toasted sandwich thin with cucumbers, tomatoes, and hummus. An hour or so later, I was still wanting more, so I ate another of those hummus sandwiches.

My husband stopped by Wendy's on the way home, and I had a Single, no cheese and no mayo. Not the best thing for me, for sure.... but I stayed within my daily points range,

I feel like my weight may be up or about the same this week. While that sucks, I think it's because Shark Week is in full effect (which is also the likely cause for my mental status) and I've also had more sodium from processed foods than normal.

I think next week will be better.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Can I have some cheese with my whine?

What would happen?

It's Lent, and it's Friday, so you know what that means.... no meat. Jamey and I have decided to get a pizza tonight. I love pizza. I'm a total guy (even though I'm not). Pizza, hot wings, beer.... I'm a happy girl.

 But I digress.....

So we're getting pizza, which is obviously not the healthiest thing. So this completely alien thought sprang to mind, ".... what would happen if I asked for light cheese?"

What would happen???

Would they think it's a crank call and hang up?

Would the Earth shift off it's axis? The poles reverse?

Would it cause a rift in the time-space continuum, unleashing hordes of alien zombies onto the planet?

It's a gamble, I'm not going to lie..... so if you see any alien zombies.............well, I'm sorry.

In other news.

This week has had it's share of ups and downs, that's for sure. Wed and Thurs I was in an amazingly crappy mood, ready to bite someones head of at the slightest provocation. That irritability of course ratcheted up my urge to stuff my face something fierce... but I'm happy to announce that not only did I make good food choices and refrain from my post work snack fests, I also made it through Happy Hour yesterday! I did have couple drinks (which I had planned for) but in order to stay on plan, it needed to be one or the other. Given my state of mind, alcohol prevailed and I decided to forgo the hot wings, tortilla chips and spinach artichoke dip.

That's a pretty big victory for me. I love hot wings (see above). They smelled soooooo good. People were all around me smacking and licking the sauce off their fingers...... it was hard, and I'm not saying I'll beat the urge every time, but I did this time. And that's what matters.

My other big win this week? Down  2 lbs! 


I think next week is Shark Week (that 'time of the month' for those not familiar w/ the term) so who knows what's going to happen. Hopefully no one gets hurt, that's all I'm saying....

Day by day, meal by meal. Have a great weekend everyone!

we're all crazy

I hate to admit I watch things like The Bachelor/Bachelorette and America's Next Top Model. But alas, I've been suckered into it.

However, I have noticed something. Maybe not quite an epiphany - but lets call it an awakening.

It doesn't matter how drop dead gorgeous you are. How flawless your skin, how golden your hair, how perfect your smile, how long your legs, how slim your ankle, how tiny your waist..... us chicks, we're all a little crazy.

We all root out our most heinous imperfection, and dwell on it - nurse it like a prized rose, These girls, I would take one look at them and cower in a corner, feeling like an ugly troll. Who'd have thought those girls have those same insecurities?

BTW - on a totally unrelated topic, tonight marks a full calendar week I have gone without stuffing my face in front of the tv when I get home from work!
Conquering chips today... tomorrow the WORLD!!!!

Giving In

First of all - I'm down another another 2lbs - Yay! The first week of really being at this I dropped 4lbs real quick, then gained about 2lbs back over the next 2 weeks (which may have been some bloating/PMS type stuff) and now I'm heading back in the right direction! 284.4, so a total of 6lbs so far! I'm ready sooo to be out of these 280's.

Now about yesterday. I'm not counting yesterday as a failure, I had a bad meal... not a bad day. Hectic day, lots of running around, stress, etc. Story of everyone's life, eh?

So for breakfast/lunch I had a plain grilled chicken sandwich from Bojangles and a side of their Cajun Pintos.

 





I took pics, then somehow messed up and deleted them... whoops.




The pintos were good. The chicken sandwich? Like a wet paper towel on a mushy flavorless bun. I ate it because I was hungry, and it was the healthiest option. Even with hot sauce, it tasted like a hot wet paper towel.
Next time at Bojangles I'll do pintos, plain mashed potatoes, and green beans or something. Lesson learned.

When we finally got around to dinner we were starving and I wanted something GOOD.  We ended up going to Logan's Steakhouse. I got an 11oz sirloin, baked potato w/ butter and sour cream, and a salad w/ blue cheese dressing. And I ate 1 1/2 yeast rolls.

I'm not counting this as a failure because
a) I hadn't eaten much all day
b) I have been craving a steakhouse meal for a long while. I had one, I enjoyed it, and it's over. It will be awhile before I have one again.
c) I left some on my plate. I left some salad, I didn't use as much dressing, I didn't get the "loaded" baked   potato, and I left about 2-3 oz of steak on my plate.


So it was a bad meal - not a bad day. I satisfied a craving. And I'm ok with it.

 

I tried to take a pic at the restaurant, but the flash was so bright it lit up the entire table and made me feel like a total dork....

Today I'm going to focus on making some better decisions and finally make it to the grocery store. Dinner tonight? Tortellini Soup!

Ok, so obviously blogging/journaling/food tracking is not my forte. To be honest, I've been doing a pretty craptacular job of losing weight, too.

It's just hard.

It's hard to take the time to plan interesting, inexpensive, tasty, inexpensive, healthy meals. It's hard to resist the cupcakes from the specialty bakery that get brought into the office (hello, salted carmel cupcake!). It's hard to forgo the quicker, cheaper, tastier option when you're pressed for time and need to go through the drive thru.



I know I'm making excuses. I knew it was hard when I started. I've got to put on my big girl panties and just do it. I know I'm at that stage of the process where the novelty has worn off, and reality is setting in. This is when it's hardest to stick with it. It's not a habit yet, and it's getting old.
It's time to remind myself of the reasons I'm doing this...

• My health. And I'm not just saying it. The Dr at the CANCER CENTER said he would see me again if I didn't lose this weight. That is one place I never ever want to set foot in again.
• I want to do things: hiking and zip lining and sky diving. I want to see things you can't see from the passenger seat. And that's where I've been for most of my life.
• I want to do things without being ashamed. I don't want to be too big to fit in the rides at the amusement park, I don't want to be ashamed to sit next to someone on a plane and be the horror story they tell afterwards. I want to walk up the stairs at work and have to pause at the top to catch my breath so my coworkers don't notice my huffing and puffing.
• I want cute clothes, to be able to find things on sale that fit, and to not be so limited in my selections

• I don't want to be so self conscious I am constantly analyzing every look or whisper to see if they're talking about "the fat chick".
• I'm sick of people looking at what I'm eating, and judging.

So, moral of the story. I've messed up a bit - but I haven't done any major binging. I've made some healthier choices, made some decent healthy meals at home. Despite several lapses in judgement, I'm holding at 287.6.

I've done well so far today, and I'm going to take it one meal at a time, one day at a time.

Good luck to everyone else going through the same stuff I am!