The "E" Word

*sigh*
Exercise.

There. I said it. Are you happy? Now I feel like I need to take a nap. The problem is that I know I need to do it.

But.....exercise makes me tired... and sweaty....

and did I mention I jiggle?

It's so not cute.

Here's a secret. I have access to two (2) gyms. We have a gym at work - totally free, with a trainer and classes and everything, and I actually belong to a gym. 

As in I pay money.

And I haven't been in close to a year.


Yeah. I know, believe me.... I know.


Well, last night I actually went to the 'Exercise TV' On-Demand station, and scrolled through the rather extensive listings, and started watching some Billy Blanks Hip Hop Cardio thing.

Then I took a nap.


I kid!  I kid!

I stood there, realized this may be a little *ahem* advanced for me... so instead of going back to the regular scheduled programming, I kept scrolling and found a Zumba workout video.

AND I DID IT!

Granted, it was only like 6 minutes - kind of a teaser video. But it got my heart rate up, and breathing hard. When it was over, I tried a couple other videos that I didn't really care for. After a bit, I gave up - but then I ran up and down the stairs a couple times!

ON PURPOSE!

It was only like 15 minutes, and I know that's small potatoes from where I need to be - but it's a definite step in the right direction!

Now I gotta ask the question. Does anyone else ever feel.... weird.... doing these videos in the house by themselves?

I felt like my cats are looking at me and judging me.

Ok, I KNOW they were looking at me and judging me. I could read the surprise, concern, and even a little fear in their furry little faces.

But they lick their butt - so really, who are they to judge?

I guess I just need to get over it, right? If I look like a total moron, it's just me - so why should I care? I shouldn't be embarrassed in front of myself.... right? 

So I'm planning on giving this another shot tonight. If I can preselect a couple videos, then do a few laps on the stairs, maybe I can do a continuous 30 min or so.

Onward and Upward... or Downward..... or...... yeah, something like that.

Ok, so obviously blogging/journaling/food tracking is not my forte. To be honest, I've been doing a pretty craptacular job of losing weight, too.

It's just hard.

It's hard to take the time to plan interesting, inexpensive, tasty, inexpensive, healthy meals. It's hard to resist the cupcakes from the specialty bakery that get brought into the office (hello, salted carmel cupcake!). It's hard to forgo the quicker, cheaper, tastier option when you're pressed for time and need to go through the drive thru.



I know I'm making excuses. I knew it was hard when I started. I've got to put on my big girl panties and just do it. I know I'm at that stage of the process where the novelty has worn off, and reality is setting in. This is when it's hardest to stick with it. It's not a habit yet, and it's getting old.
It's time to remind myself of the reasons I'm doing this...

• My health. And I'm not just saying it. The Dr at the CANCER CENTER said he would see me again if I didn't lose this weight. That is one place I never ever want to set foot in again.
• I want to do things: hiking and zip lining and sky diving. I want to see things you can't see from the passenger seat. And that's where I've been for most of my life.
• I want to do things without being ashamed. I don't want to be too big to fit in the rides at the amusement park, I don't want to be ashamed to sit next to someone on a plane and be the horror story they tell afterwards. I want to walk up the stairs at work and have to pause at the top to catch my breath so my coworkers don't notice my huffing and puffing.
• I want cute clothes, to be able to find things on sale that fit, and to not be so limited in my selections

• I don't want to be so self conscious I am constantly analyzing every look or whisper to see if they're talking about "the fat chick".
• I'm sick of people looking at what I'm eating, and judging.

So, moral of the story. I've messed up a bit - but I haven't done any major binging. I've made some healthier choices, made some decent healthy meals at home. Despite several lapses in judgement, I'm holding at 287.6.

I've done well so far today, and I'm going to take it one meal at a time, one day at a time.

Good luck to everyone else going through the same stuff I am!

Obviously, I haven't been so great about journaling what I've eaten. I sat down to write a blog post last night, and I couldn't bring myself to type the random gibberish in my mind. Not that today is much better, mind you. But here it goes anyway....

So lets start w/ last Saturday. I did pretty well till we got to Intermezzo. I had 2 martinis, split an order of garlic bread w/ my husband, and ate most of a 10" margherita pizza. I wasn't as bad as I wanted to be. I didn't order the creamy sweet martinis (although I heard the Key Lime Pie martini was outstanding. Not to mention the Mint Choc Chip). I ate most of a thin crust vegetarian pizza, and while I could have wolfed the whole thing down with no problem, I did leave 2 slices. The garlic stick was probably a bad idea, but it just smelled SO awesome, I couldn't resist.

I did my grocery shopping on Sunday, and Monday we got snowed in. I gotta say, I loved it. I lazed around the house and did basically nothing for an entire 2.5 days, and was pretty much at peace with that. I have to say, even though I did basically nothing, I don't feel like I binged all that much. We had healthy food in the house, so I ate oranges and pretzels and special K cereal. I made some pretty tasty diet friendly meals for dinner (the Chicken Tortilla soup was awesome! recipe to follow). 

By Tuesday night, I think cabin fever was beginning to set in a bit, and I was craving something cakey. I had a box of peanut butter brownie mix in the pantry that had been calling my name for some time, so I figured I'd go ahead and get it over with. The brownies were good, I ate my fill, and now they are gone.  The End.

Yesterday I had the dreaded Dr appt at the Cancer Center. Thankfully it wasn't too traumatic. Keep on the progesterone, go for another DNC (ugh!) in a few months, and hopefully I'll be pregnant by the end of the year (that last bit should strike fear in the hearts of millions).

For breakfast afterwards we stopped by Einstein Bros Bagels. I ordered the "everything" thin-bagel, with low fat cream cheese, and a fruit cup. I got the regular sized bagel - and still ate it. Should've taken it back, but I didn't.

Met my hubby for lunch later that day - had the marinated grilled chicken strips (that came over rice pilaf), the spinach with rice, and the bean  soup. Again, should have gotten it without the pilaf. But I didn't. I think the spinach w/ rice was ok, because it was mainly spinach.

Munched on some hummus and pretzels, an orange, and a FF pudding cup, and had a small bowl of Special K w/ bananas for dinner.

Today, I'm back at work and things are back to normal. Cereal and a banana for breakfast, lean cuisine sammich w/ some sunchips and a pudding cup for lunch, and I'll have a yogurt and an orange for a snack in a bit.

Dinner tonight is going old school southern...... pinto beans and collards. I'm going to forgo the cornbread - although I'd loooove to crumble it up in my beans.

Don't judge.


Now I'm trying to plan next week's menu. Here's what I've got so far:

• low fat baked macaroni and cheese w/ diced ham and a side salad
• grilled cheese w/ tomato soup
• crockpot chicken tacos
• low fat cheeseburgers w/ oven fries

So that takes care of my cheesy pasta craving, and my hubby's french fry craving.

Oh, did I mention I lost 4.5lbs? No? Silly me!

I LOST 4.5 LBS!

so, yeah - go me! Hopefully weigh in this Monday will be a reason to celebrate too!

Next up, need to start thinking rewards!

Goals

I've been thinking quite a bit about my goals for this year. I really need to set some serious, tangible goals. Not just "I want to lose weight" or "I want to eat healthier" but something I can mark, achieve, and cross off.

Since I've got a lot of weight to lose, I'm not going to set a big goal for the year. I'm going to set some mini-goals for weight loss.

Mini Goals:
Goal #1: I want to lose 8 lbs by 01/31.
Goal #2: I want to do at least 1 purposely physical thing every week... whether it be a walk, exercise video, whatever.
Goal #3: I want to try at least 1 new light recipe every week.
Goal #4: I want to blog on my progress at least 3x week.

Not bad, right? Totally doable?

My regular life goals:
Goal #1: I want to bring my lunch to work at least 3x week.
Goal #2: I want to make dinner at home at least 3x week.
Goal #3: I want to establish a weekly cleaning routine for the house.
Goal #4: I want to put $80/month into savings.


Blog Goals:
Yes, I have goals for this blog too!
Goal #1: I'd like to become involved in an active blogging community, where I can learn from other bloggers, and we can share victories and bitch about defeats together.
Goal #2: I'd like to review different cookbooks, make a conscious effort to cook a substantial number of recipes from each book and review those recipes.
Goal #3: I'd like to start illustrating great recipes step by step, so others follow them with ease, and enjoy some new and different recipes, too.