Hey There!

Yeah, I know.... it's been awhile!

Ok. A looooooooong while.

But I wanted you to know I'm still here... maybe not here here... but here. I'm still reading your blogs and everything but (obviously) haven't been posting anything.

I am however, continuing to lose weight. Which is the important thing. As I mentioned a few months ago, I came to the realization that I wasn't doing very well on my own. So I joined Weight Watchers and am having pretty good results.

To date, I'm down to 261.2 lbs! 

The month of July has been pretty rough, I'm not gonna lie. The transmission in my Mustang went out (long story, but it's essentially due to a smooth move on my husband's part) which is costing us $4000. Yes. 4K. FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS.

It happened 4th of July weekend, and it STILL makes me wanna hurl just talking about it.

Thankfully, we've managed to work things out, borrow from Peter, to pay Paul, then borrow from Jeff, Frank and Steve to pay the Ford Dealership. With any luck, we'll be back in the Stang-a-lang by the beginning of next week.

All the money woes + splitting a car w/ the hubby (who works a different shift) have made for a very panicky, cranky, and at times depressed girl.

I can't lie.....food has been an issue this month. It's my go-to BFF when I need comfort. I've strayed (more than) a couple times (*cough cough* last night *cough cough*). I've also been doing a pretty crappy job of tracking my meals the past two weeks.

My weigh in is Friday. I'm expecting to be up... but I'm ok. This is life. I'm going to have good days and bad days and good weeks and bad weeks. Just because I get down and make some bad choices, it doesn't make me a failure. Before, when something would happen and my routine got shaken up - I couldn't pull myself back together. I'm getting better at forgiving myself.

I've realized that it can't be fluffy bunnies and rainbows all the time. Life happens. Shit happens. Sometimes your routine and everything else just falls apart. I'm learning that you've got to deal with it and get back on track as soon as you can.

In other news...well, there isn't much other news. Work still sucks, laundry replicates like wet gremlins. I'm still blogging on weight watchers, but I'm going to try and update this more as well. I'm going to attempt to download the app for my phone, so maybe I can do more on the fly. 

I'll post more soon! (I promise!)

love ya!

Pity Party

For the past couple days, I've been feeling pretty crappy. It started Sunday, and even though it was a beautiful warm sunshiney day, I was right on the edge of  'blah'. Fortunately my hubby got me out of the house and out into the warm spring air, and I was ok most of the day.

Sunday night and Monday, I moved fully into blah-dom. No energy, no interest, no nothing. Then Monday afternoon I find out that I have been mysteriously cut from this Six Sigma greenbelt class I was supposed to start. As in, it started yesterday - and no one could be bothered to tell me I would not be participating. I had no idea it was even going on until someone mentioned someone else was in the class. As of a month ago, my name was on the list.

What gives???  This was going to add some serious brownie points to my resume!

So I sent my boss an email asking what happened, and I got completely ignored.

Freaking lovely. If for some reason I couldn't do my project this go 'round, could you not have the decency to tell me?! And when I find out, can you not have the balls to explain WTF happened???

I've been with this company for 10 yrs. I've been in this department for 5. Every review, I get told I am the backbone of the team, a major asset to the company, blah blah blah. But this is what I get? I handle projects far above my pay scale, I deal with issues that should be handled by senior staff..... but I am always passed by and over looked when the kudos and the job offers come around.

I am so sick of this. I've got to find something else.


....whew. That was much more of a rant than I was planning.

So back to the point, I've moved from merely 'blah' to full on depressed. I just want to hide under the covers with my cats and not face the outside world.

I took the day off today, because I really didn't know if I could go in and not tell someone where to stick it.

So I've moped around in my pj's for the entire day. I was calling it a "mental health day", but its really a good old fashioned Pity Party.

On a slightly more positive (and diet related) note, at least I am not feeding my face, as I would typically do during a pity party.

Last night as I was peeling out of work, my first thought was "I want ice cream". Followed quickly by "I could stop by Sonic, get some ice cream and some corn dogs"

Not too long ago, I probably would've done it.

But I stopped myself. I came home, and whether it was real hunger or emotional hunger - I wanted food. So I had a toasted sandwich thin with cucumbers, tomatoes, and hummus. An hour or so later, I was still wanting more, so I ate another of those hummus sandwiches.

My husband stopped by Wendy's on the way home, and I had a Single, no cheese and no mayo. Not the best thing for me, for sure.... but I stayed within my daily points range,

I feel like my weight may be up or about the same this week. While that sucks, I think it's because Shark Week is in full effect (which is also the likely cause for my mental status) and I've also had more sodium from processed foods than normal.

I think next week will be better.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Can I have some cheese with my whine?

Wow....

looking for some exercise videos to record, I stumbled on this show on FitTV I'm Pregnant and....Morbidly Obese. The show focuses on the plights of various pregnant women..... homeless, bi-polar, hooked on methadone. And morbidly obese? Is that really as bad as being on meth?

So I was expecting something like 400+ lbs

Girl was 278 lbs. And 8 months pregnant.

That stopped me cold. That's less than I weigh! Holy crap.

I knew there were risks to me, if I were to become right now. High blood pressure, gestational diabetes, etc... what I didn't know is that there are risks to the child. It can cause insulin issues for the baby that may be carried on in life, and may cause problems during the actual delivery.

I'm just floored. I mean, I know I'm big. That's obvious.... but I've always been healthy. The problems of diabetes and cancer and high blood pressure seemed so far way. It always seemed like I can't really be that big. Not big enough to cause problems. I thought I had time.... I thought my biggest issues right now were not being able to find anything to wear in Lane Bryant.

It seems wake up calls are poppin' up all over the place.

I went to the Dr in early Dec for (guys, you may want to bow out now) irregular and heavy periods. I figured it was some hormonal thing, they'll give me some meds, and I'll be on my way. An ultrasound and a biopsy diagnosed me with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and polyps (built up areas in my uterus lining that weren't shedding) in my uterus. Surgery was scheduled to remove the polyps and I was put on Metformin.

Right before Christmas, the Dr called to tell me that when she biopsied tissue from the surgery, I also have Hyperplasia without Atypia. That's basically pre-cancerous cells. I was put on Progesterone, and have an appointment to see an Oncologist in a week.

It's not Cancer - and if I had Hyperplasia with Atypia, I'd probably have to have a hysterectomy.... but thankfully I'm not at that level yet.

Still, I don't know if I'm going to be able to have a baby. I don't know how this is going to affect my life. But I know that one of the major causes of both the PCOS and Hyperplasia are being overweight.

I'm feeling really down about everything. Like I've failed as a woman or something. My sitting on my ass and shoving crap in my face has caused me to not be able to fulfill the most basic of female functions?

Sorry, I know this is all doom and gloom, and it's not how I wanted to start the year, that's for sure. I'll snap back out of it... it just put me in a bad spot right off the bat.


So.... topic change.

I was starving when I got off work.. and had to go by the grocery store and try to figure out what to get for dinner for 3 nights for less than $20.

Would you believe I pulled it off? Now, it's no culinary master piece by any stretch - but we're eating healthy for 3 nights.

So here's what we got:
Tonight: salad w/ lettuce (as opposed to...?) roma tomatoes, cukes, and onion.  and a tuna fish sandwich (whitewheat bread, low fat mayo).

Tomorrow night: pork chops baked in a mustard sauce w/ frozen green beans and jasmine rice (ok, the rice isn't great for you - but it's already in the pantry)

Wed night: Breakfast! scrambled eggs w tomatoes and onions (and maybe some spinach if I can scrounge some up), turkey bacon, and toasted english muffin w/ Laughing Cow cheese.

Breakfast for the next few days is the Oatmeal w/ cranberries and walnuts, and lunch is turkey sandwiches wraps w/ laughing cow cheese and tomato soup.

Go me, eh? I do need to work some snacks in there, especially an after work snack. That's where I always screw up royally.

Today, in my fit of starvation, I started eating some left over beef and onion dip (cream cheese, dried beef, and green onion). I'm sure I ate a good 3-5 (ok, probably 5) tablespoons of the dip on some pretzels before sanity returned and I dumped the whole thing in the garbage. I switched to Laughing Cow cheese and pretzels, and it was good and I feel satisfied.

So, yay me, right? And now I'm sitting here blogging instead of finding something else to eat. And now I'm going to watch Iron Chef, change the kitty litter, and do some laundry. And maybe I'll at least look at one of those exercise shows I recorded. :)