UGH

Today I could feasibly beat someone to death with a tape dispenser. Know what I'm saying? It's Monday, it's that time of the month, the computers at work are acting up, my boss is asking me to do stupid crap... people's very breath is annoying me. There's really no shortage to the list. I don't know what has set me off..... but man, watch out!

Aside from being generally annoyed, I'm a little disappointed in myself, too. This weekend was pretty bad. I didn't feel good, and basically let that give me permission to eat whatever I wanted.

I've been pretty lax in taking pictures of what I've eaten, too. Here's a recap of the past couple days....
Wednesday:

 

Not so bad...

Not so bad. Notice 1/2 the baked potato...eh? eh??? 

Choc Milk for dessert... I was still hungry.

Thursday:

there's that other 1/2 baked potato and leftover pork chop (baked, not fried!)

bagel thin w/ RF cream cheese when I got home...

uh oh.... carry out! Spicy Thai Basil Chicken. Didn't eat it all though!

Friday (here's where we start going downhill....)

 

a bowl of chili and 3 hot wings.


and cake......

but it's made better by lowfat yogurt later, right?

Dinner Friday? Leftover chili......

Feeling like crap Friday night... lowfat hot choc, Ibuprofen PM, and a heating pad makes it all better....



Saturday:

mid-day snack, and doing ok so far...

uh oh. How did we end up at a Mexican restaurant??? Those chips! That cheese!

Did I mention the cheese??? 

Due to some issues, we ended up getting a free order of Queso. Which is EXACTLY what I needed. *sigh*

 

 *Not actually my fajitas. My fajitas had chorizo and cheese on them.

I'd talk about being proud I didn't eat all of it, but truth be told I couldn't because I had just stuffed my face w/ cheese dip. :/

Super Bowl Sunday:

 oh goody, leftover chili again....

and since it's the Super Bowl - you have to eat the appropriate food, right?

Domino's deep dish pepperoni and mushroom pizza.... (4 slices, I believe)

 and a Chocolate Lava Crunch Cake.

So, I put my sins before you.... admonish at will..........

I know ya'll are too nice. You'll tell me to get back on the wagon. And I have. I've done well today, I took a quick 10 minute walk earlier to get my head back on straight, and I plan on trying to get a little bit of the "E" word in tonight between laundry and house cleaning.

I was feeling crampy and yucky and generally sorry for myself, and I comforted myself as I knew how. I can't say it won't happen again, but I'll try to deal with it better next time.

So here's what I've had today:

Cinnamon Raisin Bagel Thin w/ Promise Spread



A bowl of Fiber One Raisin Bran Crunch + 1% milk for lunch. I'm sure it was more like 2 or 3 servings instead of 1... but it's lunch and hopefully it will keep me full for awhile.

oh yeah, and an orange. BTW. I'm getting sick of peeling oranges. I want someone to peel my oranges for me.



*Update*

I told my husband to get rid of the leftover pizza. Of course, there it sat in the fridge when I got home - waiting for me like a venomous spider.

Is it some kind of internal self -loathing that had a piece in my hand before I even knew it? It wasn't even all that good! But I kept eating it - even while I was thinking What the F@#*! am I doing?!

I threw the rest out, and in the grand scheme of things 1 piece isn't that bad.... but I'm disappointed in myself.

Evil, thy name is cheese. .......or pepperoni. Definitley one of the two.

Anyway, had a decent dinner:

Cheeseburgers and fries - with 96% lean beef, RF cheese, and oven fries. 

and a pudding cup



The Soup

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Work was crazy busy, so it went by fast (which is always a good thing). Unfortunately, I didn't bring my lunch and didn't have time to run out, so I ended up in our Cafeteria downstairs.

Yuck.

Lunch was broccoli, (I'm not sure what they did to it. Roasted maybe? It was ok..... ish)
and then there was the squash/zucchini/tomato... stuff. It was weird. It was ok.....
.....ish.

I also had a Carmel Nut Blast Balance Bar. It was pretty good - kind of like a Snickers, but not as good. But it has less fat and calories, more protein and fiber. It felt like a candy bar. I'd eat it again.

I managed to refrain from snacking the rest of the day (thanks to being so busy), and by the time I left work and finished the grocery shopping, I was pretty famished. (BTW - bad for the wallet when you're hungry. I also had to move away from the strawberry and pineapple samples as people were starting to look at me funny).

  The hubby was going to be pretty late coming home, so I ate a small snack to tide me over, then went ahead and made dinner. 

Ah, dinner.
The Tortellini Soup.

It was good.

First of all, I should learn to follow directions a little better. The recipe calls for 9oz of "Fresh or Frozen" tortellini. I totally blew past that, and dumped in 3/4 of a 12oz bag of dried tortellini.

Holy Tortellini Overload, Batman!
And of course the dried pasta absorbs so much more liquid, so I was adding more chicken stock and water to make it come out right... it was touch and go for awhile!

BUT... extra tortellini aside, the soup was Muy Bueno! I also added a shredded chicken breast - which was good but it totally didn't need.

Because I wanted just a touch of heat, I added about 1/2 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes. I also used the canned diced tomatoes instead of whole tomatoes, because that's what I had. I think the bigger chunks of tomato would have been great - but that's totally a chunk preference. (ewww?)

The moral of the story is, the soup is pretty hard to mess up. It would be good w/ some italian turkey sausage, with mushrooms, more tomatoes....

so, here's the link to the recipe. It's quick, tasty, and idiot proof.

and 'scuse my crappy photography. green bowl, dim light, camera phone = funky pictures. Lucky for you I have leftovers for lunch! ;0)

I actually had 2 bowls of this stuff - plus the garlic toast I made using the sandwich thins, 1Tbsp light butter, and garlic powder.

For dessert, approx 1/4 cup of semi sweet choc chips...

And, that's it! My day in food. The good, the bad.... and the "ish".

Ok, so obviously blogging/journaling/food tracking is not my forte. To be honest, I've been doing a pretty craptacular job of losing weight, too.

It's just hard.

It's hard to take the time to plan interesting, inexpensive, tasty, inexpensive, healthy meals. It's hard to resist the cupcakes from the specialty bakery that get brought into the office (hello, salted carmel cupcake!). It's hard to forgo the quicker, cheaper, tastier option when you're pressed for time and need to go through the drive thru.



I know I'm making excuses. I knew it was hard when I started. I've got to put on my big girl panties and just do it. I know I'm at that stage of the process where the novelty has worn off, and reality is setting in. This is when it's hardest to stick with it. It's not a habit yet, and it's getting old.
It's time to remind myself of the reasons I'm doing this...

• My health. And I'm not just saying it. The Dr at the CANCER CENTER said he would see me again if I didn't lose this weight. That is one place I never ever want to set foot in again.
• I want to do things: hiking and zip lining and sky diving. I want to see things you can't see from the passenger seat. And that's where I've been for most of my life.
• I want to do things without being ashamed. I don't want to be too big to fit in the rides at the amusement park, I don't want to be ashamed to sit next to someone on a plane and be the horror story they tell afterwards. I want to walk up the stairs at work and have to pause at the top to catch my breath so my coworkers don't notice my huffing and puffing.
• I want cute clothes, to be able to find things on sale that fit, and to not be so limited in my selections

• I don't want to be so self conscious I am constantly analyzing every look or whisper to see if they're talking about "the fat chick".
• I'm sick of people looking at what I'm eating, and judging.

So, moral of the story. I've messed up a bit - but I haven't done any major binging. I've made some healthier choices, made some decent healthy meals at home. Despite several lapses in judgement, I'm holding at 287.6.

I've done well so far today, and I'm going to take it one meal at a time, one day at a time.

Good luck to everyone else going through the same stuff I am!