Pity Party

For the past couple days, I've been feeling pretty crappy. It started Sunday, and even though it was a beautiful warm sunshiney day, I was right on the edge of  'blah'. Fortunately my hubby got me out of the house and out into the warm spring air, and I was ok most of the day.

Sunday night and Monday, I moved fully into blah-dom. No energy, no interest, no nothing. Then Monday afternoon I find out that I have been mysteriously cut from this Six Sigma greenbelt class I was supposed to start. As in, it started yesterday - and no one could be bothered to tell me I would not be participating. I had no idea it was even going on until someone mentioned someone else was in the class. As of a month ago, my name was on the list.

What gives???  This was going to add some serious brownie points to my resume!

So I sent my boss an email asking what happened, and I got completely ignored.

Freaking lovely. If for some reason I couldn't do my project this go 'round, could you not have the decency to tell me?! And when I find out, can you not have the balls to explain WTF happened???

I've been with this company for 10 yrs. I've been in this department for 5. Every review, I get told I am the backbone of the team, a major asset to the company, blah blah blah. But this is what I get? I handle projects far above my pay scale, I deal with issues that should be handled by senior staff..... but I am always passed by and over looked when the kudos and the job offers come around.

I am so sick of this. I've got to find something else.


....whew. That was much more of a rant than I was planning.

So back to the point, I've moved from merely 'blah' to full on depressed. I just want to hide under the covers with my cats and not face the outside world.

I took the day off today, because I really didn't know if I could go in and not tell someone where to stick it.

So I've moped around in my pj's for the entire day. I was calling it a "mental health day", but its really a good old fashioned Pity Party.

On a slightly more positive (and diet related) note, at least I am not feeding my face, as I would typically do during a pity party.

Last night as I was peeling out of work, my first thought was "I want ice cream". Followed quickly by "I could stop by Sonic, get some ice cream and some corn dogs"

Not too long ago, I probably would've done it.

But I stopped myself. I came home, and whether it was real hunger or emotional hunger - I wanted food. So I had a toasted sandwich thin with cucumbers, tomatoes, and hummus. An hour or so later, I was still wanting more, so I ate another of those hummus sandwiches.

My husband stopped by Wendy's on the way home, and I had a Single, no cheese and no mayo. Not the best thing for me, for sure.... but I stayed within my daily points range,

I feel like my weight may be up or about the same this week. While that sucks, I think it's because Shark Week is in full effect (which is also the likely cause for my mental status) and I've also had more sodium from processed foods than normal.

I think next week will be better.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Can I have some cheese with my whine?

The "E" Word

*sigh*
Exercise.

There. I said it. Are you happy? Now I feel like I need to take a nap. The problem is that I know I need to do it.

But.....exercise makes me tired... and sweaty....

and did I mention I jiggle?

It's so not cute.

Here's a secret. I have access to two (2) gyms. We have a gym at work - totally free, with a trainer and classes and everything, and I actually belong to a gym. 

As in I pay money.

And I haven't been in close to a year.


Yeah. I know, believe me.... I know.


Well, last night I actually went to the 'Exercise TV' On-Demand station, and scrolled through the rather extensive listings, and started watching some Billy Blanks Hip Hop Cardio thing.

Then I took a nap.


I kid!  I kid!

I stood there, realized this may be a little *ahem* advanced for me... so instead of going back to the regular scheduled programming, I kept scrolling and found a Zumba workout video.

AND I DID IT!

Granted, it was only like 6 minutes - kind of a teaser video. But it got my heart rate up, and breathing hard. When it was over, I tried a couple other videos that I didn't really care for. After a bit, I gave up - but then I ran up and down the stairs a couple times!

ON PURPOSE!

It was only like 15 minutes, and I know that's small potatoes from where I need to be - but it's a definite step in the right direction!

Now I gotta ask the question. Does anyone else ever feel.... weird.... doing these videos in the house by themselves?

I felt like my cats are looking at me and judging me.

Ok, I KNOW they were looking at me and judging me. I could read the surprise, concern, and even a little fear in their furry little faces.

But they lick their butt - so really, who are they to judge?

I guess I just need to get over it, right? If I look like a total moron, it's just me - so why should I care? I shouldn't be embarrassed in front of myself.... right? 

So I'm planning on giving this another shot tonight. If I can preselect a couple videos, then do a few laps on the stairs, maybe I can do a continuous 30 min or so.

Onward and Upward... or Downward..... or...... yeah, something like that.

Obviously, I haven't been so great about journaling what I've eaten. I sat down to write a blog post last night, and I couldn't bring myself to type the random gibberish in my mind. Not that today is much better, mind you. But here it goes anyway....

So lets start w/ last Saturday. I did pretty well till we got to Intermezzo. I had 2 martinis, split an order of garlic bread w/ my husband, and ate most of a 10" margherita pizza. I wasn't as bad as I wanted to be. I didn't order the creamy sweet martinis (although I heard the Key Lime Pie martini was outstanding. Not to mention the Mint Choc Chip). I ate most of a thin crust vegetarian pizza, and while I could have wolfed the whole thing down with no problem, I did leave 2 slices. The garlic stick was probably a bad idea, but it just smelled SO awesome, I couldn't resist.

I did my grocery shopping on Sunday, and Monday we got snowed in. I gotta say, I loved it. I lazed around the house and did basically nothing for an entire 2.5 days, and was pretty much at peace with that. I have to say, even though I did basically nothing, I don't feel like I binged all that much. We had healthy food in the house, so I ate oranges and pretzels and special K cereal. I made some pretty tasty diet friendly meals for dinner (the Chicken Tortilla soup was awesome! recipe to follow). 

By Tuesday night, I think cabin fever was beginning to set in a bit, and I was craving something cakey. I had a box of peanut butter brownie mix in the pantry that had been calling my name for some time, so I figured I'd go ahead and get it over with. The brownies were good, I ate my fill, and now they are gone.  The End.

Yesterday I had the dreaded Dr appt at the Cancer Center. Thankfully it wasn't too traumatic. Keep on the progesterone, go for another DNC (ugh!) in a few months, and hopefully I'll be pregnant by the end of the year (that last bit should strike fear in the hearts of millions).

For breakfast afterwards we stopped by Einstein Bros Bagels. I ordered the "everything" thin-bagel, with low fat cream cheese, and a fruit cup. I got the regular sized bagel - and still ate it. Should've taken it back, but I didn't.

Met my hubby for lunch later that day - had the marinated grilled chicken strips (that came over rice pilaf), the spinach with rice, and the bean  soup. Again, should have gotten it without the pilaf. But I didn't. I think the spinach w/ rice was ok, because it was mainly spinach.

Munched on some hummus and pretzels, an orange, and a FF pudding cup, and had a small bowl of Special K w/ bananas for dinner.

Today, I'm back at work and things are back to normal. Cereal and a banana for breakfast, lean cuisine sammich w/ some sunchips and a pudding cup for lunch, and I'll have a yogurt and an orange for a snack in a bit.

Dinner tonight is going old school southern...... pinto beans and collards. I'm going to forgo the cornbread - although I'd loooove to crumble it up in my beans.

Don't judge.


Now I'm trying to plan next week's menu. Here's what I've got so far:

• low fat baked macaroni and cheese w/ diced ham and a side salad
• grilled cheese w/ tomato soup
• crockpot chicken tacos
• low fat cheeseburgers w/ oven fries

So that takes care of my cheesy pasta craving, and my hubby's french fry craving.

Oh, did I mention I lost 4.5lbs? No? Silly me!

I LOST 4.5 LBS!

so, yeah - go me! Hopefully weigh in this Monday will be a reason to celebrate too!

Next up, need to start thinking rewards!

Wow....

looking for some exercise videos to record, I stumbled on this show on FitTV I'm Pregnant and....Morbidly Obese. The show focuses on the plights of various pregnant women..... homeless, bi-polar, hooked on methadone. And morbidly obese? Is that really as bad as being on meth?

So I was expecting something like 400+ lbs

Girl was 278 lbs. And 8 months pregnant.

That stopped me cold. That's less than I weigh! Holy crap.

I knew there were risks to me, if I were to become right now. High blood pressure, gestational diabetes, etc... what I didn't know is that there are risks to the child. It can cause insulin issues for the baby that may be carried on in life, and may cause problems during the actual delivery.

I'm just floored. I mean, I know I'm big. That's obvious.... but I've always been healthy. The problems of diabetes and cancer and high blood pressure seemed so far way. It always seemed like I can't really be that big. Not big enough to cause problems. I thought I had time.... I thought my biggest issues right now were not being able to find anything to wear in Lane Bryant.

It seems wake up calls are poppin' up all over the place.

I went to the Dr in early Dec for (guys, you may want to bow out now) irregular and heavy periods. I figured it was some hormonal thing, they'll give me some meds, and I'll be on my way. An ultrasound and a biopsy diagnosed me with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) and polyps (built up areas in my uterus lining that weren't shedding) in my uterus. Surgery was scheduled to remove the polyps and I was put on Metformin.

Right before Christmas, the Dr called to tell me that when she biopsied tissue from the surgery, I also have Hyperplasia without Atypia. That's basically pre-cancerous cells. I was put on Progesterone, and have an appointment to see an Oncologist in a week.

It's not Cancer - and if I had Hyperplasia with Atypia, I'd probably have to have a hysterectomy.... but thankfully I'm not at that level yet.

Still, I don't know if I'm going to be able to have a baby. I don't know how this is going to affect my life. But I know that one of the major causes of both the PCOS and Hyperplasia are being overweight.

I'm feeling really down about everything. Like I've failed as a woman or something. My sitting on my ass and shoving crap in my face has caused me to not be able to fulfill the most basic of female functions?

Sorry, I know this is all doom and gloom, and it's not how I wanted to start the year, that's for sure. I'll snap back out of it... it just put me in a bad spot right off the bat.


So.... topic change.

I was starving when I got off work.. and had to go by the grocery store and try to figure out what to get for dinner for 3 nights for less than $20.

Would you believe I pulled it off? Now, it's no culinary master piece by any stretch - but we're eating healthy for 3 nights.

So here's what we got:
Tonight: salad w/ lettuce (as opposed to...?) roma tomatoes, cukes, and onion.  and a tuna fish sandwich (whitewheat bread, low fat mayo).

Tomorrow night: pork chops baked in a mustard sauce w/ frozen green beans and jasmine rice (ok, the rice isn't great for you - but it's already in the pantry)

Wed night: Breakfast! scrambled eggs w tomatoes and onions (and maybe some spinach if I can scrounge some up), turkey bacon, and toasted english muffin w/ Laughing Cow cheese.

Breakfast for the next few days is the Oatmeal w/ cranberries and walnuts, and lunch is turkey sandwiches wraps w/ laughing cow cheese and tomato soup.

Go me, eh? I do need to work some snacks in there, especially an after work snack. That's where I always screw up royally.

Today, in my fit of starvation, I started eating some left over beef and onion dip (cream cheese, dried beef, and green onion). I'm sure I ate a good 3-5 (ok, probably 5) tablespoons of the dip on some pretzels before sanity returned and I dumped the whole thing in the garbage. I switched to Laughing Cow cheese and pretzels, and it was good and I feel satisfied.

So, yay me, right? And now I'm sitting here blogging instead of finding something else to eat. And now I'm going to watch Iron Chef, change the kitty litter, and do some laundry. And maybe I'll at least look at one of those exercise shows I recorded. :)

Here we go!

It's Monday, Jan 3rd. And I am now officially on my.... diet? (well, yeah - but it's a little more than that) ...journey? (oh Lord, now I sound like The Biggest Loser or The Bachelor or something) ... lifestyle change? (closer, but how do I say "no thanks, I'll pass on the cake. I'm on a lifestyle change!").

So we'll go w/ diet for now.

Ok, back to the point. I've done some prep work for my diet!

• Kitchen is purged of holiday leftovers (ok, mostly. All the good stuff, anyway). You should see the bag of stuff my husband has to take in to work. Fudge and cookies and candy and truffles, oh my! He should get major points w/ the guys today! I would've brought some in to my work, but I probably would've been stoned by all my super health conscious co-workers.
• A few exercise videos are recorded on the DVR. Something about boxing, some sort of pilates thing, and.... something else.
• I've also set the DVR to record The Biggest Loser - Couples. I figure where exercise fails, guilt will prevail!

Now on the the actual food consumption portion of the diet. I brought oatmeal to work today! Real, unsweetened, unflavored oatmeal. I nuked it in the microwave w/ some dried cranberries and walnuts and a couple packets of splenda. I'd like to report it was fabulous. That it cured my craving for a bagel w/ cream cheese, gave me instant energy, and awoken a greater spiritual understanding.

Unfortunately, not so much. It was just okay. Not bad. Just.... eh. The cranberries and walnuts definitely helped, but it still needed something. A pinch of salt maybe? Some cinnamon and/or nutmeg? Hungry Girl talks about adding a few tablespoons of pumpkin puree to oatmeal. It sounds pretty good, and I brought a can of pumpkin to work with me to give it a shot. Unfortunately, my can opener appears to be MIA. I'll have to report on that tomorrow.

So breakfast was warm, filling, and healthy. The taste was decent, and I think can be improved upon. We'll call that a win.

I didn't bring lunch today, which means going out. I'm thinking Subway... I can get a 6" veggie or turkey sub and some baked lays. I wish Subway offered hummus as a spread.

Dinner tonight is another challenge. Maybe a big salad?  I really need to go to the grocery store, but payday is Thursday. So it will be foraging till then.

Got an odd sense of deja vu here.... end of December and I'm swearing mightily this will be my year - I will lose weight! I will budget my money! I will stop rolling my eyes in the face of stupidity!

I'm 0-3 on the resolutions.

So here we go again. I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to budget my money, I'm going to *try* and tone down the temper...

This year, it's a little different (well, not so much the temper... that's just one of those personal goals). I've got to start being better with my money, because I'm a homeowner now. Woo Hoo! Yippee! ....wait. What? I've got a mortgage?! I've got to deal w/ household repairs like busted pipes and AC units being on the fritz? Holy @$#%!

So yeah, got to be better w/ the cashola.

... and I've got to lose weight. Got to. G.O.T.  T.O.  I've been having some female issues, and finally went to a different Dr. A biopsy and a surgery later, I've been diagnosed w/ Complex Hyperplasia without Atypia. That's basically precancerous cells in my uterus. Not cool, man. Not cool. Especially since my husband and I are wanting to get pregnant.

I've got an appointment Jan 13th to go see an Oncologist. Yeah - a Cancer Dr. At a Cancer Center. I'm freaking out on the inside. I've had way to many relatives (including my mom) die from the Big C. It's not a pretty sight.

I keep telling myself it's not Cancer yet. It's treatable from hormones (Progesterone). You'll be fine. You're still young. You'll have kids. But there is a corner of my mind saying it's only a matter of time. I keep that part on lock-down for the most part... but every once in a while it gets out and screws w/ my brain.

Obesity apparently increases your chances of this issue, something about fat cells and Estrogen. Not to mention the possible complications of being pregnant and obese. High blood pressure, diabetes... lack of maternity clothes.

So yeah, I'm going to be dropping some weight in 2011. It's so weird/scary to be dealing w/ health issues. I've always been big (granted, never this big) - but I've always been healthy. Rarely get sick, never even had a broken bone. It sounds so cliche to talk about taking your health for granted.... but whoa, what a splash of cold reality!

I'm hoping this health scare is the push I've needed to get my ass in gear. Maybe it's God's less obvious version of a lightning bolt.

I know it's going to be hard. I know I'm going to screw up. I know there's going to be good days and bad days - even good weeks and bad weeks. But I've really got to do this.

So, Happy New Year to all you folks out there. Good luck w/ your resolutions and I hope you reach your goals!